Being a mother is all I ever wanted.
I am the youngest of 6, and everyone was out of the house by the time I came along, except one of my brothers, who is 4 years older then I.
I grew up living really close to my oldest Sister (Nicole), and her family. She now has 6 amazing children, her oldest being only 4 years younger then me.
I love my mother dearly, she is an amazing person, with a huge heart. She is always thinking of others before herself, so much so, that it's practically a fault of hers. But growing up my mom was sick a lot, and handicapped. So the person I spent a lot of my admiring on, was my sister. She had to work a lot while still having children at home. I know it's not a big deal, women do that all the time and everyday. But I think if she had had the choice, she would have stayed home with her kids. But like the amazing person she is, she encouraged, supported, and is devoted to her husband. So she was his cheer leader as he went to school and worked, and finally opened his own business. She still is his biggest cheerleader and devotes all her time to him, and their beautiful family. They both work at the shop and they both raise the kids. They are each others greatest support. So when I admired my sister all those years growing up, it wasn't just her. It was how she conducted herself, as a wife, a mother, a sister, a daughter, and as an amazing contribution, to her neighbors, to our church, her in-laws, and our family and friends.
I really did live close enough to her to see her everyday if I wanted, and trust me I did want! I practically lived with her in the summers. My best friends as a child were her two oldest, Justin and Stephanie. Now as we are all adults, I feel as though I am still close enough to them that when we get to see each one another, we can talk about anything. Same thing with her 3rd child, Lauren. (Who has one of the cutest little boys that ever lived!)
I remember always going to her cabin up the canyon and just feeling like I could breathe! I knew she took me up there in hopes to help steer me in the right direction in life. But at the time all I loved to do was sit and watch her! Watch her mother, watch her cook, bake, clean, chop wood, anything and everything,
My mom was single as I grew up and didn't re-marry until I was 17. So the relationship that I looked to as how a marriage was supposed to be, was my sisters.
I knew from my first summer in Utah with her that all I wanted was to be just like her! That's all I ever strived to be. I wondered off the path for a while and I think I may have scared her when I did, but when I met Ki, I knew that he was going to be my saving grace. He accepted me as is and saw what I could be.
To this day, my Mom says hat Ki reminds her of my sisters husband. Maybe I did look for someone like Shiloh, after all he was my father figure since I can remember.
Ki and I talked about how we wanted our family to be when we were engaged, and we agreed and decided that we wanted me at home with the kids. Well not many people told me how difficult that decision is.
Even watching my sister raise her kids, I wasn't there every second. I do remember some hard days that she had, but they were so far and few between. She always seemed to have it together. Of coarse for all I know what I saw is how it really was, I kid you not when I say my sister is amazing and can pull off anything!
When Raeanna was born I was so excited, but within the first week she was born, I figured out that it wasn't going to be a cake walk. The first trouble we had was she wouldn't sleep. I was expecting this, I wasn't dumb, I knew babies had their days and nights mixed up. But I was cocky and thought that I was going to be ok because I am such a night owl, and love to be up late. Well staying up when you choose and staying up when the baby decides, are two different worlds! As it turns out Raeanna was a cake walk! My second baby and girl is WILD! She just turned 3 in Nov. and has little interest in the potty. Today she told me, "Mommy I want to be a princess!" My response: "OK, but Princess' go poop in the potty.' Without missing a beat she responds, "I want to be the Princess of diapers!"
This kid is quick on her feet, imaginative and quite frankly a blast to be around! But the truth is, she is 3 and doesn't know yet when it's appropriate to be silly and fun and wild, and when it's time to just stay calm and follow mommy.
I would not trade my babies for anything in the world, NOTHING!! So don't even offer. But honestly I wouldn't mind a day to breather here and there, or even just a half hour. I want to be home with them and I don't want to go to work, but I do like when they are quietly asleep, watching TV, or playing in their room. Some days I like them wild and free, but I'd be lying if I didn't say I wish those days to be far and few between.
Growing up and watching my sister parent, seemed so easy. Of coarse it seemed that way, I wasn't with them every minute of every day, I wasn't the one changing the poopy diapers, I wasn't the one who couldn't sit and read, I wasn't the one who couldn't nap the second I felt exhausted, and I wasn't the one waking up at the crack of dawn so I could ,make sure they got to school in time. I was just another kid along for the ride.
I love doing all those things for my children and my husband now, but I do also still like naps!
The moments that keep me going happen every day. The moment when the girls are supposed to be cleaning their room and they stop to come give me hugs and kisses. Or when I make them pb&j and they look at me and say "this is the best sandwich in the whole wide world!" Or when they ask to snuggle me because they want to, not cause they are hurt or sad, they just want to be in my arms.
Being a mommy is all I ever wanted. I knew it wasn't going to be easy but I still wanted it. Now that I am living it, I still love, and want it more then anything. There's nothing in this world that could make me want to be something else. Nothing is more appealing to me.
I am not sure what point I was trying to make with all this rambling I have typed up. But my friend posted this
article on facebook and I loved it! I can't agree with it more. While reading it I had so many things going threw my head about my girls, and how badly I want another baby. I had to write them down so I decided to blog it. I had to include my sister because if it weren't for her, there's no way I'd be the mom I am today. And I hate cockiness, and self praise, but the one thing that I pride myself on, are my daughters. I fight everyday with my own personal battles to care for those girls, and as long as I get out of bed in the morning, I know I am winning. I know they are good girls and that they are that way because of Ki and I.
I am a dang good mommy, and I that is one self praise I will always be proud to admit!
